


Not a Dark Side

by emmaleenoti



Series: LAMP [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Deceit is talked about, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Past Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Virgil and Deceit are exes, Virgil and Thomas both have panic attacks, Virgil cries a lot, Virgil used to be a Dark Side, low key self harm, major panic attack, no suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-21 17:35:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14919845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmaleenoti/pseuds/emmaleenoti
Summary: Virgil, Patton, Roman, and Logan are having their weekly movie night, but Virgil can’t stop having doubts. After Deceit’s appearance, he is scared that if the others find out he used to be a Dark Side, they will stop loving him and want him gone. He has a very bad panic attack, and the others help him through it.





	1. Chapter 1

Roman clicks through some movies on Netflix on the TV. It is the Sides’ weekly movie night together, and it is Roman’s turn to pick. The four Sides sit together on the couch, waiting for a movie to be selected.

Virgil wears black sweatpants in place of his usual jeans, but his long-sleeved purple shirt and his stitched up hoodie remain as usual despite the others’ suggestions to at least take the hoodie off before bed. He sits in the corner of the couch in the common room, legs up so his knees are at his chest and one arm laying on the arm rest as he picks fuzz off of the couch. His other arm rests beside him, Patton’s hand gently covering it with his own. Patton is wearing light blue pajama pants and his cat hoodie that Logan gave to him. He sits sort of side saddled, leaning slightly against Virgil with his legs laying to the side over Roman’s lap. Roman is beside him, wearing his Christmas sweater despite Logan’s objections due to the fact that it is not Christmas as all. He wears white pajama pants and his legs are crossed, one hand resting on Patton’s legs and holding the remote, the other arm extended a bit to his side to casually play with Logan’s hair. Logan, wearing simply a black t-shirt and black pajama pants, does not seem to mind. He sits closely next to Roman with his legs straight, feet on the floor, and his hands in his lap.

Roman has already scrolled through the entire list of Disney movies twice, and now begins to do so a third time.

“I do not understand. You already know what titles this service offers, so why are you looking again?” Logan questions.

Roman takes his hand away from Logan’s hair, dramatically pointing at the logical side. “Listen, you  _ know _ I cannot choose one of my darling babies so easily.” He turns back to the TV, glancing to the side at Logan quickly, a look of faux hurt on his face, before using both hands now to click through the Disney movies a third time.

Logan leans back, propping one leg up on his knee and stretching an arm out to rest on the back of the couch behind Roman. “I suppose, knowing you, it must be difficult. Take your time, my prince.”

Virgil groans slightly, picking more fuzz off the couch and tossing it to the floor. “Come on, Princey, we all know you wanna watch Moana, just click on it already.”

“Now, Virgil, maybe he doesn’t—“

“Patton, he’s been singing songs from it all week.” Virgil interrupts. He looks at Roman. “Just play the movie Princey, it’s whatever.”

Roman fakes confusion. “ _ What? _ All week? No—“

“Yes you have.” Logan says.

Roman rolls his eyes dramatically. “Okaaaay, maybe I  _ have _ . A little.” He scrolls back up to find Moana on the list of movies and clicks on it then tosses the remote onto the couch on the other side of Logan as the movie begins. He places on hand on Logan’s leg, leans back, Logan’s arm falling a bit to lay across his shoulders, and takes Patton’s free hand in his own.

Patton squeezes Roman’s hand lightly and beams. “I’m so excited! I love you all SO much!”

Virgil smiles slightly to himself, looking at the other three beside him. Roman beams back at Patton as Logan nods.

“I love you too.” Roman says.

“This  _ is _ satisfactory.” Logan speaks at the same time as Roman, and the two look at each other and smile. Patton smiles happily at those two before turning his head slightly to smile at Virgil.

“We love you, Virgil.” Patton says, as Virgil has not said anything since the movie began and Patton does not want him to feel left out at all. Virgil looks at him for a moment and smiles a little bit before quickly returning to watching himself pick fuzz off of the arm of the couch. Patton exhales. He understands that Virgil gets embarrassed and does not always know how to say how he is feeling, but they all know that he loves them as well. Patton lays his head carefully on Virgil’s shoulder, slow enough as to not scare the anxious side.

__

“We love you, Virgil.” Patton says, and Virgil looks at him quickly. He does not know what to say, and he can feel panic slowly beginning to form within him so he just smiles and turns away quickly. He feels Patton’s head slowly relax onto his shoulder, and he can feel tears threatening to well up in his eyes.

Ever since the incident with Deceit that happened a few weeks ago in Thomas’ video, Virgil has been having doubts. In his heart he knows that the others love him, Patton and Roman say it often enough and all three of them definitely show it enough. And yes, he loves them so very much as well. But he can not help the nervousness and fear that has been clouding his mind lately. He saw how the others, as well as Thomas, reacted to Deceit, and Virgil is very scared that they will see him the same way someday. After all, he used to be a Dark Side, as Roman called Deceit and the others. He is not sure if the others are aware of who he used to be, he just knows that when he finally broke away from Deceit and began to get to know the others and Thomas that they were not incredibly fond of him for a bit. Of course, things have changed now, and they are all very happy with each other and they accept him completely. He knows that. But he cannot stop thinking about what could happen if they knew who he used to be, who he used to be  _ with.  _ Deceit had such a hold on him for so long, and Virgil hoped so hard that he would be free from him for good. But now that Deceit has had the gall to appear to Thomas, to use Patton’s form to get to them and their host, Vigil cannot help but wonder if Deceit has a greater plan. Is he trying to get to Virgil? Is he trying to corrupt the others and Thomas as revenge for Virgil leaving? Virgil knows that Deceit is probably not smart enough to carry out any huge plans and probably just wants to cause confusion and irritation for Thomas and the main Sides, especially Virgil. Despite this, Virgil cannot chase away the worries and the, well, anxiety.

_ What would they think of you if they found out who you were? _

Virgil tries to ignore the voice in his head. Now is not the time for this. He just wants to watch Moana with his boyfriends. Can’t a panic attack wait a couple hours?

_ You didn’t really care about Thomas. Didn’t care about them. What would they think? _

Virgil sighs quietly, trying not to alert the others to the anxiety rising up inside of him.

_ They would hate you. They do hate you. _

Virgil sighs again. He knew this movie night was a bad idea. He should not have come. But he did not want to disappoint the others. After all, he did not attend the last one either because he was too exhausted and tired and he did not think he could handle whatever lovey dovey or comedy movie Patton probably chose that night.

_ They don’t really love you. They just feel obligated to include you. You don’t matter. _

Virgil tries to breathe normally and calm himself down before the storm even begins. He can hear Roman singing along to the movie while Logan hums quietly, probably hoping that none of them hear him. He can feel Patton’s breathing, and he knows Patton is smiling really big right now. He doesn’t want to ruin this for anyone.

_ They want you gone anyway. Just go. _

At that, Virgil whispers “shut up” as quietly as possible. His voice cracks a little, and he can feel his hands shaking. He closes his eyes.

_ They want you dead. _

Virgil’s eyes fly open and he takes a ragged breath, trying so hard to fend off the panic attack that he knows will come one way or another.

“Virgil, honey, are you okay?” he hears Patton whisper.

_ Damn _ . He was hoping his dilemma would go unnoticed. Virgil glances at Patton, who has lifted his head from Virgil’s shoulder and is looking at him with worried eyes. Patton squeezes his hand lightly. Virgil looks away for a moment and sees that he has accidentally begun ripping into the arm of the couch rather than just pulling fuzz from it. His body shakes a bit and he tries to keep breathing. He looks back at Patton, who tilts his head a little.

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“I…I’m fine. I’ll be right back. I’ve gotta…” Virgil pauses. “go to the bathroom” he finishes. He stands up abruptly, letting go of Patton’s hand. “Be right back.”

With that, he is gone, leaving the others to watch the movie on their own. He does not want to burden them with his worries. He appears in his room, the darkness slightly comforting.

_ They don’t care. _

“Shut UP.” Virgil says harshly, his voice cracking again. He can once again feel tears welling up behind his eyes. “Just shut up.” He whispers.

_ How could they love you? _

“They do love me!” He yells angrily. “They love me. They do.”

Virgil sits down on the floor at the foot of his bed, hands covering his face. He does not want to hurt Thomas, so he tries once more to keep his breathing under control.

_ Thomas hates you anyway. _

Virgil balls his hands into fists, tears beginning to fall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton, Roman, and Logan decide to wait a bit before checking on Virgil as not to overwhelm him. After finding out that Thomas is having a panic attack stemmed from Virgil's, the three quickly head to Virgil's room to check on him.

**** Patton tries to reach out to Virgil, but he is gone. He looks worriedly at Roman and Logan, who have both stopped humming and singing and are looking very concerned themselves. Roman’s eyes dart back and forth a bit and he bites his lip, thinking. Logan lets out a calm, steady breath, and shakes his head.

“I think…I think he may just need some time to be alone.” Logan says calmly. “Perhaps, sensory overload?”

“Maybe.” Roman says, unconvinced. He looks back at the TV. “Let’s give him a few minutes.”

“But…” Patton sighs. “But—“

“Pat,” Roman lets go of the moral side’s hand and looks at him, placing a hand on his cheek. “We’ll check on him soon, okay, my love? You know Virgil. He has a lot of…eccentricities. As we all do. Who knows, maybe he does really just have to use the bathroom.”

Patton leans a bit into Roman’s hand and shifts a bit so his feet are now on the floor. “Darling, he ripped into the couch a bit and I could feel his heart beginning to race.”

Roman tilts his head a bit and and nods. “I know, love, I know. As I said, we can check on him soon. I’m worried too, but I don’t want to push him. ” Patton nods a bit and looks at Logan for reassurance.

“I think our prince is correct, Patton. We will give him a few minutes, and perhaps he will return. If he does not, we will check on him. He may have gone to his room to relax. And he tends to want to be alone when he is overwhelmed.”

“Okay…”

“Okay.” Roman says with a small sad smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you too, my beautiful prince.” Patton says quietly, turning his head slightly and placing a kiss on the palm of Roman’s hand. “Very much. Thank you.”

The three Sides scoot closer together a bit, leaving room on the other side of Patton for Virgil in case he chooses to return to them. Roman holds Patton close, knowing the moral side gets so much more worried than himself or Logan ever do about anything. Roman is worried as well, though. He hopes that he is right, as Logan believes he is. He hopes Virgil returns soon.

__

Thomas sits in his bedroom, rereading the fourth Harry Potter book. He yawns, setting the book down on his nightstand before rubbing his eyes and reaching to turn off his lamp. He pulls the covers up and rolls over onto his side. As he closes his eyes, he feels a sort of nervousness welling up inside his stomach. He rolls over onto his back.

“Not now, Virgil.” He sighs. He hears nothing. No response at all. “Virgil? What’s up buddy?” He questions out loud, staring into the darkness. He waits a moment, hoping the Side appears after being summoned.

No response.

Thomas sighs, concerned. He feels the anxiety creeping up into his chest and it is starting to become a bit hard to breathe. He sits up, rubbing his eyes once more before placing a hand to his chest. His heart is slowly beginning to race faster and faster. His thoughts are becoming cloudy. He can tell that this particular panic attack is coming from a one that Virgil is having on his own because if it is due to Thomas’ actions Virgil usually appears when summoned to talk. This time, however, there is no sign of Virgil and Thomas is becoming sure that he will not appear. What could be wrong?

Thomas tries taking a deep breath. He hopes that he can breathe and get through this. He has done it before, after all. But he has absolutely no idea how big or small Virgil’s panic attack is, how long it could last, or what, if anything in particular, is causing it to happen in the first place. After several minutes of this, Thomas can feel his breathing getting worse, not better. His chest hurts, and he cannot stop shaking.

“Virgil!” His voice cracks a bit as he tries again to summon Virgil. “Virgil, what’s  _ wrong _ ?” He pleas. Why now? What was going on? Thomas waits a few more minutes, trying to stop his body from shaking. When there is once again no response, he sighs raggedly, trying not to cry. He continues using his breathing exercise. Breathe in for four. Hold for seven. Breathe out for eight. After he has done this three times, he looks around. There is still no sign of Virgil. He decides to reach out to Logan instead. He wants someone who will be calmer about this, and he does not want to worry the other two.

“Logan? Logan, I need you.” Thomas manages to say.

__

**_Logan? Logan, I need you._ **

Logan looks away from the TV quickly and tilts his head, looking at Patton and Roman.

“It appears that Thomas needs me; I will return in a moment.”

With that, Logan is gone. Roman and Patton look at where Logan had been sitting, then at each other.

“You don’t think…” Patton begins, his voice trailing off. Roman squeezes Patton’s hand. Patton looks at the floor and his voice cracks as he speaks again. “I just—“

“Shh, darling, I know, but let’s wait and see when Logan returns, okay?” Roman squeezes his hand again and leans over to kiss Patton’s temple gently. Patton nods slightly and leans into Roman, laying his head on his chest. Roman holds him closer, comforting him as best as he can.

__

Logan appears beside Thomas’ bed.

“Thomas? I am turning on the light.” Logan says calmly, then the lamp clicks on. Logan sees Thomas sitting in the middle of his bed, crossed legged, hands over his face, and shaking. Logan takes a breath. He climbs onto the bed, sitting on his knees across from Thomas.

“In for four, Thomas.” Logan says, and Thomas does so. “Hold for seven.” He does so. “Out for eight.” Thomas finishes the exercise and takes his hands away from his face, still shaking. Logan leans closer to look at him, putting his hand gently on Thomas’ chin so he can lift his face up.

“Thomas? What, may I ask, is wrong?”

Thomas shakes his head, and takes a shaky breath. He coughs and puts a hand to his chest, leaning forward a bit. “Panic…” He manages to say before breathing in for four once more. Logan nods slowly.

“Thomas, Virgil left in the middle of a movie. We have not seen him for several moments, and we suspected he may just need to breathe.” Logan looks to the side and sighs. “Perhaps we should have listened to Patton.” He looks at Thomas once more. “Thomas, I am going to go let Patton and Roman know what is happening, and we will go find Virgil. I can come check again on you after we have helped Virgil. Is that okay, Thomas?” Logan tilts his head so he can see Thomas’ face. Thomas nods a few times and continues his breathing exercise, placing the palms of his hands on his forehead and leaning forward. Logan nods.

“I will return. Keep breathing, Thomas. You are doing wonderfully.” With that, Logan is gone once more. Thomas hopes Virgil is okay. If Thomas is having this much trouble breathing and calming down, he cannot imagine how horribly Virgil is feeling. God, he hopes he is alright.

__

Logan reappears in the common room, and Patton and Roman look up at him quickly. The movie is almost over at this point, but Roman pauses it anyway as Patton sits up.

“We need to check on Virgil. We can all go, but we must be gentle as not to scare him too much.”

The others nod and stand, and a moment later the three of them are outside of Virgil’s room. Darkness is spilling out from underneath the door. Patton shivers and looks at the other two. Even Logan’s normally calm and collected disposition is distorted with worry. Roman clears his throat quietly and steps forward. The three of them can hear whispers echoing throughout the room, and what sounds like a sob. Roman knocks on the door quietly.

“Virgil, my love?”

No response.

Roman looks at Patton and Logan. Logan speaks up next. “Virge?”

“Honey, are you okay?” Patton calls softly.

The three of them wait a moment. Roman knocks again.

“Go AWAY!” They hear Virgil yell, his voice distorted and echoing through the room, then they hear a sob and a small whisper. “Please…go…”

Roman takes a deep breath and turns the doorknob, letting the darkness spill out into the hallway.

“My love?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am using my own personal experience as well as my friends' experiences to shape both Virgil and Thomas's panic attacks, as that is the only way I feel I can properly portray them.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Two more chapters to go. Feel free to leave comments/constructive criticism <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil has a very bad panic attack. His boyfriends comfort him and calm him down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am using my own personal experience as well as my friends' experiences to shape both Virgil and Thomas's panic attacks, as that is the only way I feel I can properly portray them.

* * *

_They don’t love you. You’re kidding yourself._

“No, they’d understand, they—“

_If you tell them who you were, the things that you did, they’ll kill you._

“No!” Virgil is rocking back and forth, shaking horribly. He tried so hard to keep everything in, but he keeps slipping. He can feel Thomas’ panic increasing as well. “God I’m so so sorry Thomas, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”

_Thomas would be better off without you. They all would. You’re a Dark Side._

Virgil cries, pressing the palms of his hands further onto his eyes until he is seeing stars in the dark.

_You’re nothing but a Dark Side._

The voice is becoming louder and louder inside his head, and Virgil lets out a sound that is somewhere between a scream and a sob. He grabs the closest thing he can reach, a hairbrush, and throws it at the wall weakly. It hits the wall lightly and slides back over to him. He picks it up again, this time throwing it harder. It slams against the wall as Virgil stands up.

_Just give up._

“Leave me ALONE!” He screams, his voice echoing through the room. “Just leave me alone!” He picks up his phone off the nightstand by his bed. Without thinking twice, he throws the phone across the room. It crashes into a lamp, knocking it over as a sob rips from his throat. He begins pacing around his room, knotting his hands in his hair and pulling.

_Give up. They hate you. They want you gone. You’re such a fool. Give up._

The voice is now an echoing whisper through the room rather than just a voice in Virgil’s head. He sobs once more, picking up his other lamp from his nightstand, pulling it from the outlet in the wall, and throwing it weakly at the wall. The bulb shatters, and Virgil cries again. He continues to pace, one hand now still in his hair while he clamps his teeth over the other hand. Tears are streaming down his face.

_If you tell them, they’ll want you dead. Just get it over with. No one will miss you._

“I know! Okay?!” Virgil screams, kicking the bed hard. He feels the pain strike into his foot and climb up his leg. He kicks again. Again. Again. He bites harder down onto his hand and screams out once more. He barely even hears the knock on the door, but soon he hears the other Sides’ voices from the other side of his bedroom door. His eyes widen. What are they saying? He can barely hear their words. Then suddenly, he hears another knock on the door.

_They’re only here to tell you to leave. Give up._

“Go AWAY!” Virgil screams. His voice echoes and cracks. He loses his breath and falls to his knees, pulling harder on his hair and slamming his other hand into the floor. “Please…go…” he whimpers.

_They want you dead._

Virgil cries, slamming his hand into the floor again.

_You’re nothing but a worthless Dark Side._

Virgil takes the hand from his hair and bites so hard into it that he can taste blood.

_Worthless. Useless. Loveless. Disgusting. Dark Side._

The words echo throughout the room. Virgil continues to punch the floor with one hand and bite into the other hand. He doesn’t even notice the door creak open or the light from the hall flooding into the room. Before he knows it, arms are being wrapped around him.

__

“My love?” Roman says as the door opens up. “Virgil!”

The door opens the rest of the way and the three Sides see their boyfriend slumped on the ground, punching the floor with one hand and sinking his teeth into the other. Both his hands are bleeding, and one is already bruised badly. Tears streak his face, his makeup smeared all over the place. Blood from his hands is spotted on his shirt and face. The room is a mess, various items laying around broken that Virgil must have thrown at the walls. Patton lets out a scream, and Logan gasps. The three of them run into the room. Voices whisper around them.

_Worthless. Useless. Loveless. Disgusting. Dark Side._

Dark Side? They do not have time to think about that, and they do not care what the voices have to say anyway. All any of them care about right now is Virgil.

Patton slides onto the ground and wraps his arms around Virgil tightly as Roman kneels down to coax the hand out of Virgil’s mouth. Logan runs into the bathroom and begins to search the cabinets for bandages, antiseptics, and towels. When he finds the items he needs, he runs back into the bedroom with his arms full, spilling the items onto the ground. By this time, Roman has pulled Virgil’s hand out of his mouth and is stroking his hair. Patton still has his arms wrapped around him, rocking him back and forth slightly. Virgil is staring straight forward, tears still streaming down his face, still shaking. He is almost not even breathing; his breathing is uneven, fast, and very, very faint.

_They already hate you. They’ll want you dead if you tell them._

The voice echoes throughout the room. Virgil lets out a sob.

“Virgil, my dear, if you tell us what?” Logan questions gently, kneeling beside his boyfriends and reaching for the damp towel that now lay on the floor. Patton lets go of Virgil and scoots away from him just a little to give Logan enough room to begin wiping the blood off Virgil’s hands.

Virgil’s breathing quickens and he slumps down even further, nearly going limp. Roman and Patton both reach out to catch him. Roman kneels on the floor right behind Virgil, his hands resting gently on his shoulders. He begins to lightly massage his shoulders as Patton holds Virgil’s face in both his hands. Patton searches Virgil’s eyes for a moment and uses his thumbs to wipe away some of the tears and makeup. Virgil lets out another ragged sob and coughs, blood dripping out of his mouth where he must have been biting his tongue.

“Oh honey, no no no” Patton whispers, kissing Virgil’s forehead. “Logan, get me another towel or two please, will you, baby?”

Logan nods sharply and stands up, rushing back into the bathroom. Patton and Roman hear the sink turn on then off, and soon Logan emerges once more and tosses the rags at Patton before falling back to the ground to continue his initial task with a worried look on his face. Patton begins wiping away the tears and makeup from Virgil’s face with one towel. He is still crying, though, so Patton abandons this task in favor of cleaning up Virgil’s mouth.

_All you’ve ever done is hurt Thomas. They all want you dead._

“Open up please baby?” Patton whispers, ignoring the echoed words as Virgil whimpers before hesitantly opening his mouth and sticking out his tongue slightly. His tongue is not too much of a mess, just bitten enough to bleed, so Patton wipes the blood away and gently holds the cloth against his tongue for a few moments. Logan is making quick but gentle work of Virgil’s hands, wiping away the blood and applying cream to them before beginning to wrap them in bandages. Roman continues massaging Virgil’s shoulders and neck, quietly whispering “breathe in, hold, breathe out” over and over to his boyfriend. Virgil, though still quite out of it and panicking, is cooperative enough. Patton takes the towel away from his boyfriend’s face and once again wipes tears away with his thumbs, one hand on each of Virgil’s cheeks.

“Baby, what do you need to tell us?” Patton whispers, looking into Virgil’s eyes with all the love in the world.

_Worthless. Useless. Loveless. Disgusting. Dark Side._

The words echo once more throughout the room.

_Dark Side. Dark Side. Dark Side._

Virgil flinches and tries to look away, but Roman leans in closer and wraps his arms around him from behind. Patton takes a deep breath and places a soft kiss on Virgil’s tear-streaked cheek. “We think we know at this point honey, please just tell us okay? We don’t hate you. We could never hate you. I promise.”

Roman and Logan both say “we promise”, as Virgil closes his eyes tightly, more tears falling onto his face. Roman kisses the back of Virgil’s head then rests his own head on Virgil’s shoulder, humming softly. Logan finishes bandaging Virgil’s hands and shifts to sit cross legged beside his boyfriends, taking both of Virgil’s hands carefully in both of his own. He lifts Virgil’s hands slightly and places a kiss on one of the bandages, then on the other. Patton rests his forehead against Virgil’s for a moment, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He takes a deep breath and strokes Virgil’s hair with one hand, still holding his face with the other.

“My dear, you can tell us anything.” Says Logan, still holding both of Virgil’s hands. “We are quite fond of you.”

“Yes, my love, we are. And nothing will change that.” Roman says, holding Virgil closer. Virgil opens his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“I…” Virgil begins. He coughs and lets out a ragged whimper, his breathing still very shallow. “I…usedtobeadarkside” He mumbles quickly.

His boyfriends blink and look at each other before taking deep breaths and nodding. Patton speaks first.

“Virgil, baby, can you say that again? We can’t hear you very well.”

“I used to be a dark side…with Deceit…I…” Virgil sobs, lowering his head and closing his eyes, his breath quickening once more. “I didn’t…”

_Worthless Dark Side._

“My love.” Roman begins, feeling Virgil stiffen in his arms as he braces for the worst, his breath uneven still. “We…” Roman takes a deep breath and looks at Patton and Logan, wanting to get this right. They both nod, sad smiles crossing their faces. Patton drops his hands down from Virgil’s face to join Logan’s, still resting carefully on top of Virgil’s own bandaged hands. Roman loosens his arms and shifts himself so he is kneeling beside Virgil, one hand resting on the small of his boyfriend’s back while using the other to turn Virgil’s face slightly so he can look him in the eyes. Tears begin to well up behind Roman’s eyes, and he tries to blink them away. He smiles.

“My love, we gathered as much.” Virgil stiffens some more, and lets out another sob. Roman can feel tears beginning to fall from his own eyes as he takes another deep breath and tilts his head. He places as small kiss on the corner of Virgil’s lips before resting his forehead against Virgil’s. “Darling, we don’t care who you used to be.”

“What matters is who you are now.” Patton chimes in, his voice a bit shaky. He sniffles a bit. “And Virgil, honey, you are so brave.”

“I do not know the whole story, my dear, but I do know that you have been through quite the ordeal. And you are…” Logan takes another deep breath, trying to remain as collected as he can. His voice cracks slightly as he continues. “You are truly the strongest of us all.” Virgil tries to muffle what sounds like a cross between a laugh and a cry.

“I’m weak.” He says quietly, almost inaudibly. “Roman’s…strong.”

Roman shakes his head, pressing his forehead slightly harder against Virgil’s and closing his eyes for a moment before leaning back slightly to look into Virgi’s eyes once more. “My darling, I have battled dragon witches and saved damsels, but nothing I have done can compare to what you have been going through.”

“Honey, we love you so much.” Patton whispers.

“We are so proud of you for overcoming Deceit and the others, no matter what transpired.” Logan says as coolly as he can. Patton turns to him and smiles sadly, lifting one of his hands to stroke Logan’s cheek as tears begin to fall from the logical side’s eyes. He leans over slightly and places a kiss on Logan’s cheek. Logan smiles slightly and clears his throat before continuing. “Virgil, your existence is…good.”

“I think what Lo is trying to say” Roman begins. “is that you are the love of our lives.”

“And nothing you may have done in the past matters, baby, we promise.” Patton says. Virgil looks down, taking a couple deep breaths, his breathing steadying out just a bit.

“You make us better.” Roman says, lifting Virgil’s chin so he is looking him in the eyes once more. “How about we get you cleaned up, and we can talk about it after you have calmed down a bit, okay?” Virgil nods slightly, unsure. He takes another deep breath.

“Virge, honey, is it okay if I take your hoodie off? You’re sweating.” When Virgil nods once more, Patton reaches over and slips the heavy jacket down his boyfriend’s shoulders. Roman and Logan help take the hoodie the rest of the way off, and Patton tosses it onto Virgil’s bed. “Let’s get you up and into the bathroom, sweetheart.”

Patton, Logan, and Roman manage to get Virgil standing. The voices in the room have stopped echoing, and Virgil’s breathing has significantly slowed down. They walk him to the bathroom, helping him sit down on the toilet. After Virgil is situated, Roman moves over to the bathtub and turns on the water on. When he feels that the water is not too hot or too cold, he plugs the drain and allows the tub to begin filling up. Logan puts the bandages and antiseptics away as Patton begins washing Virgil’s face of tears and makeup. Logan turns and kneels down beside Virgil, who looks at him tiredly.

“Breathe in for four.” Logan says calmly, wiping the tears from earlier off of his face. Virgil breathes in, and Logan smiles. “Good job, my dear. Now hold for seven? And breathe out for eight. There you go, you’re doing great.” He coaches Virgil through this exercise several times until the anxious side is breathing steadily, his body shaking much less than it was before. Patton finishes washing Virgil’s face as Roman turns off the water. Logan stands up and smooths out his shirt before adjusting his glasses.

“I am going to go check on Thomas. I will be right back.” The others all nod, even Virgil, and Logan disappears.

“Do you want us to help you into the bath?” Patton asks. When Virgil nods, Patton helps him stand and he and Roman help him get undressed. “Just keep your hands out of the water. Unless you just want us to put new bandages on later?” Virgil hesitates, looking at his hands.

“You can keep them on.” Virgil says quietly, and Patton nods. He and Roman help Virgil into the bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit longer than the rest because I couldn't find a good stopping point in the middle of the comforting, so I just let the whole scene be included! I hope you all enjoyed it! One chapter to go :) feel free to leave comments/constructive criticism :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil tell the others about his past with Deceit.

Logan appears in Thomas’ room once again. The light is still on, but Thomas is laying in the middle of the bed, his eyes closed. He is on top of the covers and facing the wrong way, but Logan is glad to see that he seems to at least be comfortable.

“Thomas?” Logan places a hand lightly on his host’s arm. Thomas opens his eyes slowly and begins to sit up, running his hand through his messy hair. He yawns, coughs, and wipes his eyes.

“How’s Virgil?” Thomas asks tiredly, looking up at Logan. Logan clears his throat.

“He is going to be well. How are you?” Logan asks. Thomas takes a deep breath.

“Better.” He says. He yawns and scoots over, pulling the blankets over himself and laying his head on his pillows. “I still feel…shaken. But, I’ll be okay. I just hope Virgil is alright. That was definitely…something.”

“The others are with him and I will return to him soon as well. I am glad you are doing better, Thomas. I advise that you get some rest, and continue your breathing exercises as needed.”

“Thanks, Logan.” Thomas smiles. “You can go, I’ll be okay.” He gets comfortable in his bed and Logan turns the lamp off for him.

“Goodnight, Thomas.” With that, Logan disappears and Thomas falls back to sleep.

__

Logan reappears outside Virgil’s room, and the door has been closed. He knocks quietly before turning the doorknob slowly and stepping inside.

“I have returned. Thomas is asleep.” Logan says, as he closes the door and walks over to the bed where Roman and Patton are sitting. The bathroom door is open, and he peeks in to see Virgil sitting in the tub, staring at the ceiling, doing breathing exercises. A clean set of pajamas and his trademark hoodie are laid out on the toilet. Logan smiles, then returns to the bed. Roman and Patton have cleaned the room, and Patton has laid Virgil’s cracked phone on the nightstand. Both lamps have been fixed, and one sits back in its place on the nightstand, turned on so that the light fills a small section of the dark room. The room feels much less foreboding now, and none of them are worried about being here for too long. They just want to be here for Virgil. Patton scoots over a bit so Logan can sit down. The three sit quietly together for a while until they hear the water being drained from the tub. They stand up slowly, waiting.

Soon after, Virgil emerges from the bathroom, dressed in a pair of grey pajama pants and a black t-shirt. His face is clean of makeup, but he still has slightly smaller natural dark circles visible under his eyes. He slips his hoodie back on and walks slowly over to the others, who all embrace him at once. His boyfriends lead him over to his bed. He sits down in front of his pillows, knees at his chest. Patton sits beside him while Logan and Roman situate themselves in front of the two, facing them. They are all silent for a few moments, not wanting to push Virgil into talking if he does not wish to. After a short while, Virgil speaks, his voice strained but not distorted and echoing anymore.

“I thought…” He clears his throat. “I thought that I wouldn’t have to, you know, really deal with any of this. Like, I thought Deceit would leave me alone and I could just forget about everything.” He looks up at the ceiling, too scared to look into the eyes of the others. His boyfriends listen closely and nonjudgmental. “Deceit had me wrapped around his finger. I didn’t care about you guys, I didn’t care if what I did was hurting Thomas, I never thought about being a team or anything. I just…I thought I was the bad guy, and I thought that’s just the way my story was supposed to go, you know?” Virgil takes a deep, slightly shaky breath, and blinks away his tears. He knows his boyfriends are watching him, but he cannot look. He needs to get through this without breaking down again. He needs them to know. Patton puts his hand on Virgil’s knee for a moment, encouraging him to continue and comforting him. Virgil smiles slightly and wipes his eyes before continuing.

“It’s obvious he loves being in control. I was just another thing for him to play with. He’s not really that smart or anything, I don’t think he ever had any real big plans. He just liked that I was dependent on him and he wanted to keep it that way because he thought it was _fun_ to fuck with me. And to fuck with Thomas.” Virgil closes his eyes. “He thought it was fun to make me make Thomas worry about everything, even things that I don’t think I worry as much about now. I was always so worried. He would make me question everything, and I would get worked up, and I would make Thomas anxious about the smallest things and I didn’t even try to fix it. I know now that I can work with Thomas so he can manage me better, but back then...I thought it didn’t even matter. There was nothing he could do about it, he couldn’t just quit me, and making him anxious, especially at the most inconvenient times...that was just my job. I just let him ruminate all the time. And it hurt him. So much. And I didn’t even care. And when I found out that I didn’t like hurting Thomas, that it made me uncomfortable and upset, Deceit...he wouldn’t let me go. I tried...I tried so many times. I felt so trapped. I thought that you guys wouldn’t want me, and Deceit made me think that I had nowhere else to go and that no one else would ever love me. And whenever I tried to leave…”

He feels sort of numb now, and everything is just spilling out after so long of being held in. “Whenever I tried to leave, he’d get physical. And I couldn’t take it. So I’d give in. And then it’d happen again, just like that, over and over. I finally got sick of it and left for good when he wasn’t with me. He tried to force me back to that side of Thomas’ mind so many times. And that’s when I started letting Thomas see me, when I got away. And I was still stuck in that mindset that I was bad and that’s all I would ever be. I figured you guys didn’t like me anyway so I tried sometimes to make you hate me because I was scared of being hurt again. But I was terrified to go back to Deceit. I almost went back a few times. But all he ever did was lie to me. Obviously. And I was sick of it. I wasn’t really sure what love was, but I was pretty sure that that wasn’t it, and if it was then I didn’t want it ever again. So I shut myself off and tried to be what everyone thought I was supposed to be. Because it was...safe.” Virgil feels a few tears falling down his face now so he wipes them away as he takes another deep breath. He continues.

“Even after I started letting myself be seen to Thomas and getting to know you guys, I thought…I thought you would always hate me, no matter how much I began to care about you guys. I thought that you all and Thomas would be better off without me, and that I could just fade away. And then…” He takes a deep breath. “And then you saved me and brought me back to Thomas and we got closer…I realized that maybe I could be one of you. I began thinking that I could be a good guy, and maybe I could really experience _love_ ,not that bullshit that Deceit fed me, but real love. I thought maybe I could put the Dark Sides and all that shit behind me. But then Deceit showed up, and I didn’t…” He takes another deep breath, forcing himself to look forward. He searches the eyes of his boyfriends, who are all smiling sadly.

“You believed that we would, perhaps, disown you, if we knew your past.” Logan says, more of a statement than a question and breaking the silence around Virgil. Virgil nods slowly. Patton places a hand on Virgil’s shoulder.

“I’m scared. I can’t lose you...I don’t want…I thought you’d think—“

“My darling, my dearest.” Roman says, reaching forward to stoke Virgil’s cheek. “I saw the way you reacted to him. I could tell that you would never go back. We would never think that of you. And we would never want you to leave us just because of your past. My love, your past is what led you to us.” Roman smiles. “Darling, you never need to go through these things on your own. And I am so sorry you were so alone for so long.”

“You’ve been holding onto this for so long, I wish we would’ve seen it. I wish we’d gotten to really know you so much sooner.” Patton sighs sadly.

“No, no, it’s not…it’s not your fault, guys. I guess…” Virgil smiles slightly and looks down sadly. “I guess I should have come to you.”

“You can come to us whenever you need, my dear.” Logan says. “You are a part of us. We are not us without you. We work so much better now than we did without you.”

“In a way, my love, you complete us.” Roman smiles.

“The missing puzzle piece.” Patton adds.

Virgil looks around at his boyfriends. “Promise?” He asks, still hesitant.

“We promise.” The other three say surely.

“Thank you.” Virgil says, his voice cracking a bit. “So much. I…love you guys, really.” He says quickly, then looks down. He speaks hurriedly and in a whisper, rambling nervously. “I never thought I could...but now that I do, I can’t stop. And I didn’t wanna hurt you, or make you hate me, or...” Virgil squeezes his eyes shut.

“Virge, honey, we love you more than anything and we could never hate you, especially not because of your past. You don’t need to thank us.” Patton says soothingly. The three embrace Virgil, each placing a kiss on his cheek. Patton is the last to do so, and he feels tears beginning to fall down Virgil’s face.

“Honey, are you okay?” Patton asks, worried, holding Virgil’s face in his hands. The other two lean back a bit. “Are we being too much right now? Do you need us to go?”

“No, no.” Virgil says quickly, letting out a sound that seems to be a mix between a laugh and a sob. “I’m okay, I’m just…” He looks up and smiles at his boyfriends. “I’m happy.”

They all smile and Patton takes his hands away from Virgil’s face. Virgil inhales slowly and wipes his eyes.

“Can you guys…can I stay with you guys tonight? Just hold me?” Virgil asks timidly, biting his lip and looking down. “I don’t want to be alone.”

“Oh, honey.” Patton says. “You’re never alone.”

“Of course you can stay with us.” Logan says, and Roman nods. Roman snaps his fingers and they are all suddenly in his room. He knows Virgil prefers to stay in one of their rooms rather than them all staying in his; he is always worried that his room might corrupt them in some way if he gets too anxious, especially in his sleep.

“Let’s get you into bed, Virge.” Logan says, and the four of them walk over to Roman’s bed.

The three help Virgil situate himself under the covers. Roman snaps his fingers and suddenly his bed is just big enough for them all to lay down. Patton climbs under the covers on one side of Virgil, wrapping his arm around him from behind and placing a kiss on the back of his head. Roman situates himself on the other side, fixing Virgil’s hair and wrapping an arm around him, linking fingers with Patton. Logan lays down beside Patton, reaching his arm over him to place a hand on Patton’s arm. Virgil gets comfortable, feeling safe and secure surrounded by his boyfriends. Soon, the other three can hear Virgil breathing deeply and steadily. Roman looks at him and smiles.

“He’s asleep.” Roman says quietly, and the others smile.

“We should do so as well.” Logan whispers, and Patton nods.

“I love you all so much.” Patton says, the smile on his face audible in his voice.

“Goodnight, my darlings.” Roman says, and they all close their eyes, drifting off to sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! I hope you all liked it! I'm open to suggestions. And also let me know if anyone wants me to continue this or make a new story based on it to make it a series! <3 Thank you <3 <3

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Sanders Sides fic, and my first fic in general in a long time, so I hope you all enjoy!  
> Please leave comments/constructive criticism :)


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